I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
