Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
bring money and cleavage
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
