Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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