i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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