My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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