He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
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I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
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I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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