your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
i now understand why vodka
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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