did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
