the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
