Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
