Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
