dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
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