You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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