I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
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I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
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I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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