This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
