If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
