I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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