So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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