false alarm. still invincible.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
