Green mimosas i think yes
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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