Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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