YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
That accounts for only three of the penises
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
