I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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