1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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