Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
