do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'll put lettuce on them
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
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White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
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I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?