he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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