just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
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She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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