You don't have asthma, your pregnant
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
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I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
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I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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