I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The beer is more important than you right now.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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