I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
