Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
