Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
We are all done wearing pants today
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
