She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
