I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
