Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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