Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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