Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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