you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
