I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
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We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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