He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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