Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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