I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?