seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
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I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
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He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.