You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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