My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
This is my gift to your gina
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
