hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
