i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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