i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
