i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Randomize
