Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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