I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
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