Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
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you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
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Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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