he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
