So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
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She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
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Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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