He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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